An Unlikely Love

So it’s been a little while since my last blog. It’s actually been quite a journey of twisters and turns. For those of you who don’t follow me on social media its been a whirlwind of turmoil to complete bliss. Many unexpected life changing events….once again! I’ll try and make this as brief as possible but so much has happened so bare with me…

The weekend of June 20th we decided to take a family trip to San Diego, CA to visit Sea World for our youngest son’s birthday. We headed down Friday night, stayed in a hotel and Saturday spent all day a Sea World. It was such an amazing and fun weekend. After Sea World, we got a perfect view right on the beach for dinner. It was a long over due family trip that God really had His hands in. Tons of great memories were made, tons of laughter and tons of walking LOL! My preggo self was having a little bit of a rough time trying to hang in there and keep up with everyone else but I did it. Even though the lower back pain and discomfort in the lower extremities kicked in, I didn’t let it stop us from having a great day! 

We headed home Saturday night and Sunday morning woke up for Church. I was so apprehensive about going and seeing people we knew. I was afraid of people’s stares, reactions, and opinions of our “Unlikely Situation and Relationship.”  The shame of my “mistakes and sins” were weighing heavy on me. Instead of walking around with my pregnant belly protruding I felt like I should walk around with the “Scarlett Letter ‘A” on my forhead. I don’t know what it is, obviously everyday the thought of my situation and past not so wise choices were on my mind but walking into the “House of the Lord” I felt instant sorrow and shame. However, the whole message that morning reminded me of the Cross. I was reminded of how loving of a Father and God we have. Instead of wanting to run and hide, I felt an immense amount of peace and comfort come over me as soon as the Worship music started.   The words “I forgive you. I sent my son to die for you.  You are as white as snow in my sight so do not fear” rang loud in mind.  I’m so glad that inspite of my shame and fear I went to hear God’s Word anyway and I left feeling so refreshed. After church we were even up for doing a little shopping.  We were excited to see if The Honest Company had their products in our local Target yet. The Honest Company is near and dear to our family for several reasons and I couldn’t wait to get my baby in their cute little anchor diapers…

This was the last picture I got to take with my baby in belly. Sunday afternoon, I started cramping and spotting. I ended up going to the ER where they told me that I that I could be miscarrying and there was nothing they could do.  They ran tests and did an ultrasound where the baby’s heartbeat was visible and still beating. I was told my hormone levels weren’t where they should be and the babies heartbeat was at slower pace than they would like. They told me to go home, rest and come back if anything progressively got worse. In my heart and I knew something wasn’t right but in my mind I prayed that God would heal the situation and let this baby live.

Around 4 a.m. I woke up with labor pains that wouldn’t stop. Every two minutes my uterus would contract and I just knew this was it. I woke my husband as I sat in the bathroom crying and giving birth to my baby…or as the Dr’s would call it “passing the fetus.”  He rushed me back to the hospital where it seemed like eternity as we waited for more tests. I continued to “pass” the baby in pieces in between blood work and exams. My husband prayed with me and said, “Everything is going to be ok. God has a plan. Don’t worry and trust Him.”  Tears were just running down my face and I told him, “No, its not ok. I already know that I’ve lost the baby. I feel empty. I feel like a part of my soul and spirit has just died. I can’t explain it, but I know my baby’s spirit is gone. I felt her leave me.”

Shortly after,  the nurse came in to do the ultrasound and let me watch the screen. It confirmed my worst fear and what I had already known. My belly was “empty” and no baby was visible. I was trying so hard to be strong and keep it together but it was so hard. A flood of emotions overwhelmed me and my heart literally ached. The feeling of loss I experienced was unexplainable. I didn’t even get to hold my baby. In our hearts we all believed the baby was a girl and already had her name  picked out. We had discussed names as a family prior to this and my daughter picked the name Ezra meaning “Help”, which I fell in love with. So her name would have been “Ezrah Joy”. I felt like she was brought to me by God to “help” change my life in some way and to bring  “joy” once again to our family. With the overwhelming feeling of loss taking over, I also felt a deep longing. I longed to know what it would have been like to hold her. I longed to feel her in my belly and still struggle with it today.

That very morning 9 years prior I gave birth to my youngest son. It was the hardest thing realizing that on the same day we were supposed to celebrate his beautiful life coming in to the world and I had to deal with the grieving loss of my unborn baby leaving this world. What a “bittersweet” day.  That day was one of the hardest days of my life that I have experienced thus far. Knowing that I had to go home and put a smile on my face for my youngests birthday and pretend like everything was ok was dreadful. I wanted to scream and cry and just sleep.  I kept asking God, “Why today, why on a day that is supposed to be special to me and my son?”  All I could think was now every year on June 23rd I’m going to remember how horrible this day was. Am I supposed to fake a smile or forget?

I can’t imagine how it must feel to lose a child that you’ve had the chance to  hold. One that you’ve known and spent days, months or years with. My heart just breaks for those families who have suffered with that incredible loss because I couldn’t imagine at the time, feeling any worse of a loss and longing that I felt that day.  The next couple weeks were torture. I would wake up crying, realizing that it wasn’t a bad dream. I would touch my stomach and cry. I would get up to take a shower and get dressed only to be reminded that this protruding belly was empty. Everytime I turned around I was faced with another reminder, if it wasn’t seeing preggos and babies on social media then I would see them on TV or outside. Then,  it was the constant physical pain and bleeding that just reminded me of my suffering. I felt like there was no escape except sleeping. Oh and then there are those continous check ups at the OB Dr’s Office, where everyone woman you see is pregnant or has a newborn baby in their arms. It was so hard not to be angry or bitter at God. I didn’t understand why He would have me go through all this just to lose the baby. I felt like it was a cruel joke. Everything finally seemed to be coming together. We were happy as a family again and everything was about the baby. We were constantly looking on “Pinterest” at baby clothes, rooms, and new gadgets of things that they didn’t have when I was pregnant with my other three.  The kids were so excited and trying to tell them that the baby was  now with Jesus was hard. I didn’t know how they would react and I prayed that their little hearts wouldn’t break. I waited til the next day to tell them and tried to be strong.  It was like the joy died for a little while…what was there to look forward too? I questioned my purpose. I questioned my womanhood. I re-played everything in my head that maybe I did wrong. Then I thought maybe I deserved this because I contemplated abortion as being an option in the beginning. I felt like my faith was being tested and if it weren’t for the outpour of love, prayers and support  from friends,  family, my job and even strangers then I couldn’t have gotten through this. If it weren’t for my husband and childrens constant love, gentleness, and affirmation I would have gone into a deep depression. I’m so grateful for them trying to get me to laugh with their silliness and also my husbands ability to be so intuitive by sensing the depression coming on and making me get out of bed.  If I didn’t have all this support I don’t know where I would be today. I didn’t see how I would ever feel joy again in my life.

Once again, through this loss, I saw my husbands heart and his character just as I did when he told me that he wanted to work things out with me and love this baby as his own. He told me that he was so sorry and he wished he could take all the pain away. Our days and nights consisted of me trying to keep it together with sudden break downs. I know that had to be hard for him to handle that but he was amazing, he would just hold me in his arms and let me cry. I never, in all of our rollercoaster of 13 1/2 years, ever felt comforted or safe with him, that was the first time. I felt like he helped carry me and my burden. It was then, during this time that I really fell back in love with him. We had a first long couple weeks of me having complications with this miscarriage and being in and out of the hospital.  Between the two of us I think we were in the Emergency 4 times in one week. During that week he was so self-less. He stayed with me in the E.R. all night knowing that he had to be at work the next morning early and all he did was try to comfort me and make me laugh. He made the best of the hospital visits and didn’t complain once and he even snuggled with me on the tiny hospital bed…

 

 I couldn’t have gotten through this without him by my side at every moment. He was my strength when I was feeling weak. He was my biggest support and such a great help at making sure the kids were taken care of and entertained.  He didn’t want me to lift a finger and just allowed me to rest. I am in awe of this man and who he has become. God has done some amazing things in him. He has grown in so many ways…emotionally, mentally and spiritually.  I feel like he has done a 180.

During this time we had together we talked about our divorce, getting remarried, and our past mistakes in our marriage and parenting.  We communicated about things we’ve never talked about before and on a deeper level than has ever been reached. We didn’t hold back feelings and allowed ourselves to just be vulnerable. We talked about love and forgiveness.  We both also did alot of praying for our family and relationship. Then the  following week after the  miscarriage, we ended up finding out that the proper paperwork for our divorce had never been submitted and in fact we weren’t divorced but still legally married!! We both felt this was all the Lord and an answer to prayer. These things don’t just happen by coincidence. How ironic was it that God had changed both our hearts for each other during this crazy time and then we find that we are NOT divorced!!??

I honestly believe that God did have a plan with my “Unlikely Situation” and our “Unlikely Relationship.”  If it weren’t for this baby coming into our lives then we wouldn’t be where we are at today. My heart breaks about my loss, the fact that I will never got to hold her or know her…But God knew what He was doing. Through this “loss,” He brought me “life” once again. I believe I will get to see my baby, Ezrah Joy,  in Heaven and I can’t wait to tell her the purpose of her name.  God used her and brought her into our lives to be our special “Help”…and what a “Joy” it is too know that she served that very purpose. There is meaning in her precious name and what a powerful little spirit she had by being God’s tool in leading my family back together again.  She will forever be my Guardian Angel. It’s amazing how I felt her spirit leave me…I can’t describe it and it probably sounds ludacris to people. However, I know how powerful God is. I know and have experienced His miracles first hand and “nothing is impossible with God.”  I believe I was meant to feel her leave…I was meant to feel God’s power because He had to make it real for me.  I’ve heard people say that when they see a loved one at a funeral you can tell that their “Spirit” is gone and the body just lays there “lifeless”. That’s exactly what I felt in the hospital that day, I was empty and lifeless but how grateful I am that God has turned all this around and reminded me that there is “Life”  after “Loss.”  God has also reminded me that there is also “healing” in “love.” A love that I thought would never exist again between my husband and I,  a  love and relationship that I thought was damaged beyond repair and forever broken. 

WOW!!! God is good and I am so blessed!  Instead of planning the baby shower that I had hoped for,  I now get to plan a ceremony/ reception to renew our vows that I onced dreamt about! So amazing! Although its been a month since I lost my baby and I have my sad days, I can’t explain how full of joy I am overall today!  This is a love story that I surely didn’t see coming and one that I hope our children will share with our grandchildren.  May our story be used as a “message of hope” and a message that “All things are possible with Christ.” 

 

We feel so blessed that God has already, in this short amount of time,  been able to use our mess for His message…a message that through tragedy and death can come  forgiveness, love and healing…similar to the Message of the Cross but no where near close to as powerful!  His Message is more powerful than we can even comprehend and sometimes He uses events in our life to help us understand just how powerful and miraculous He is.   We serve a loving God. We serve a forgiving God. I am not mad or bitter at God for my tragedy. I have been able to look past my pain and see how God had a plan and purpose for it all.  I couldn’t see His plan when I was going through it but I had to trust that He had something bigger in store then my tiny mind could perceive. God keeps his promises and He is forever faithful, so whatever you are going through today….whatever you are going through in your marriage, whatever has happened in your past, whoever has wronged you or whatever mistakes you may have made…find hope in Jesus. If you have experienced loss I am so very sorry…please hang on to God and trust His Word. He promises that there is life after death.  He is not done with your story yet.  He has a purpose for your problems and a story for your suffering. He has joy in store for your future.  Be reminded by His story and the true “Message of the Cross.” Allow Him to show you His Love Story…

An Unlikely Situation

So, as most of you know I found out I was pregnant a couple of weeks ago. I mentioned I would blog about the details and share with you a little bit of this “Unlikely Situation.”

As expected,I have gotten tons of questions about “the details.” The most popular questions being “Who’s the Dad?“ and ” “Is it your Ex’s, are you back together?“ I figured it’s better to share the juicy details myself so you get all the correct answers rather than hear it 3rd party and have things misconstrued. I’m also choosing to share this “Unlikely Situation” because I know people talk and I know people make assumptions and judgements. (I’m human and sadly I do the same.) However, I’m ok with those judgements and assumptions, it doesn’t change me, doesn’t change my choices or the way I will choose to live my life and I will still smile at the end of the day. Also, because I’ve chosen to make my life public on social media for years I figured I may as well make this public too. Because the circumstances of my situation are not likely, I will not hide, run or be ashamed. I’m going to be real and continue to keep things real. I want to be transparent and unashamed. I’m not always good at it…But I try. I think through this blog and sharing my story and raw feelings it will show you my heart and who I strive to be but also showing I’m human, imperfect and that I make stupid decisions daily.

So here we go… On with the juicy details…

No, this baby is not my ex husbands. The details of who the father is are not important at this time. But it was someone I was dating for a couple of months and yes we were using protection. Prior to us dating I had made an appointment for a routine check up, PAP smear and to see about other birth control options. This appointment kept getting postponed because the Doctor had vacations and other random various reasons. Finally a couple of months later, I go to my appointment only to find out my PAP smear needed to be put on hold because I was pregnant. I was in complete shock and couldn’t help but break out in tears as the Doctor is telling me I need to start thinking about options and what I want to do. As professional as she had to be, she was so sweet and caring trying to calm me down. She knew that I was a single mom with 3 older kids already but reassured me that there is a reason for all of this. She talked to me about the pros and cons of everything in detail but without saying anything out of her professional ability she encouraged me that “babies are a blessing.” I love her for being so sympathetic yet so level-headed at the same time with no judgement. It was so hard to sit there by myself and not feel ashamed for more reasons than one.

Shortly after leaving the doctor’s office I let the father of the baby know I was pregnant. We were already at odds so it wasn’t the easiest thing to say. Naturally his response was… “Wow, are you ready to have another baby?“ I said,”I was open to having another baby but in the far future.” ( I mean come on… I’ve only been single about a year and half… My life is no way ready or prepared for a baby.)  His response was, “Then I think we both know what the best thing to do is. It may not be the right thing but it’s the best thing.” I knew exactly what that meant…Abortion was the “answer”… I was sick to my stomach.

After crying for two days contemplating what I was going to do I still was uncertain. Everything in me wanted to keep the baby but all I could think about was the “how”… How am I going to raise 4 kids on my own, how am I going to afford a baby, how do I make room for a baby with our living situation…etc?

Abortion to me is a difficult life changing decision. I walked down that road and made that decision years ago. It’s something that still haunts me to this day, something that I never wanted to go through again. Everytime January 8th comes around I die inside…I remember that day like yesterday. I still have nightmares about being in a cold dark room all alone crying and praying and asking for forgiveness. Every time that date comes around I think about the life of my baby that I took… An innocent baby. A baby that could feel, a baby that had a heart beat, my own baby’s life. Thinking about doing this again killed me. I went back and forth with thinking if I just get this over with soon it’ll be like nothing and I could go on with my life and then thinking how could I ever live with myself again. How I could function normally and live with the guilt? How could I cope? How would I be able to get up every morning and smile again? Thinking about having the abortion crippled me and I literally felt like I was grieving the baby I was carrying. As soon as I found out I was pregnant I swear I felt an instant connection to this baby. I didn’t feel like I could go on a live my life without him/her. It’s unexplainable…

Even though my heart said keep this baby, my head said I was an idiot, that it wasn’t smart. I kept thinking about what people would think of me. What would my family say? I could hear it in my head, “Guess we can’t be surprised, she’s always been a screw up.” I was scared to death about the unknown. I also, was mainly afraid about what my ex-husband would say. I couldn’t stop wondering how he would take it and I didn’t need that extra added drama in my life. So I went against everything my heart said and everything God says. I kept hearing His voice say “Do you Trust me?” and I literally said “No” … I doubted God and His abilities. Even after everything He has done for me, even after having Phillipians 4:13 tattooed on back as a reminder, wasn’t enough. I went ahead on a Friday and called for the abortion referral and tried to make my appointment. It was the weirdest thing… Its like I had to jump through hoops just to get an appointment. For whatever reason I was having trouble with my insurance then it was location issues, then issues with finding a rides to take and pick me up for the surgery. Then they told me I was approved to take the oral medication that would make me miscarry and I just lost it on the phone with the nurse. I couldn’t bare to think about making myself miscarry. How sad… Some women struggle to get pregnant. Some women get pregnant and it’s all they ever wanted and end up losing the baby… Who am I to be in control of taking my own babies life and making myself miscarry!?

Finally, after jumping through all those hoops I was able to get an appointment for the following Wednesday. My kids were with their Dad over the weekend and none of my friends were really available to hang out (which all I wanted to do was keep myself busy so I didn’t have to think or feel.) All I could do all weekend was cry and think about this pregnancy. I literally kept praying that God would intervene. I kept praying He would give me a sign that I shouldn’t go through with it.The following morning I went outside to my car and found that someone had a placed a ministry pamphlet on my windshield which talked about abortion.. specifically for single mom’s. Hmmm weird, but still that wasn’t a big enough sign for me. It made me question my decision more but I still had to much fear.

The rest of the weekend I prayed and begged God that He would send someone my way to talk me out of it. I pleaded for His intervention. I literally wanted someone to come up to me and tell me that they knew what I was about to do and I shouldn’t go through with it. Monday morning rolled around and I get a text from my ex – husband that he had a dream that I was pregnant with another man’s baby. I got the chills… All I could respond with was “Oh that’s weird… I’m sorry” I literally thought he was lying and maybe someone leaked my secret to him. That night I went to go pick up my kids from his house and he stopped me and said, “Toni… I feel like something is wrong. That dream felt so real. Please tell me… Are you pregnant. I won’t be mad… I feel like God prepared me with that dream.” I couldn’t hold it in any longer… I was trying to be strong but couldn’t. I told him “Yes”. I told him everything I had been going through the last week or so. All he said was that he was here for me and wanted to help me. He said no matter what he will support me but that he thinks I should keep the baby. It’s amazing, I feel like that was my answer to my prayers. I feel like God sent him that dream to prepare him and his heart to be able to take the news so graciously and confirm to me that I was to keep this baby. After going home and praying all night about everything I really asked God to bring me peace about what I should do. The next morning and the day before my abortion was to take place I felt a strong peace that I was to keep this baby and that God would take care of everything else. Since I made that decision a huge burden has been lifted. I don’t know where I am supposed to go from here. I still have a little worry about the future and things unknown. But one thing I do know for sure is that the circumstances of this “Unlikely Situation” may be all screwed up but God has a purpose for this baby. The circumstances may not be how God intends things to be or the “right way” to do things but He’s got a plan that He’s working out bigger and better than I can see… I can’t wait to find out what that is. I am so grateful that God heard my prayers. I am so grateful He aligned things in the order that He did. I’m in awe of how it all is working out.

I’m grateful to all my friends who knew my struggle and the battle I was facing but loved me and supported me without judgement. I am so grateful to my ex-husband for being so loving and accepting. This is such a difficult situation to be in (No matter what age you are.) I went through a similar battle 14 years ago and decided that even though I was alone and didn’t see a “way” I would keep my baby. To this day, all my babies were “unplanned” but all of them have been the biggest blessings in my life. I can’t imagine living my life without them.They all have served a huge purpose and I believe I have made the right decision once again with this baby. This may be an “Unlikely Situation” but I believe God is turning this into His “Likely Plan.”

If anyone has or is going through something similar, I am praying for you. I know its easy to say that “Abortion, would never be an option” but when you are put in the situation sometimes it seems like its the “easiest” or “best thing to do.” It’s hard to see the outcome of either decision but abortion leaves scars invisible to others but everlasting to you. For those who have made that decision, I pass no judgement upon you. Like I said, I have been there years ago. My heart only hurts for you. Having to face this battle is so difficult especially doing it alone. Please don’t bare it alone, please talk to someone. Please share your story, choose to help others facing this same battle. Life is precious, babies are blessings. God has a purpose for every soul under the sun. Yes the circumstances may not be “fitting” for you or other people that share an opinion in your life. But God can turn our mistakes into miracles. He’s good our making a blessing out of our messes. I know this first hand…He is merciful, forgiving and a gracious God.

“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you…” – Jeremiah 1:5.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” – Jeremiah 29:11

As this journey of God’s “Likely Plan” continues, I will keep blogging. I’m so excited to see what God has in store for my family.

If anyone who is facing a battle and needs prayer I would love to pray with through this…

Be Blessed…